June 2009

We see it all the time: patterns getting played out in families, history repeating itself – for example children who witnessed domestic violence in the home who sometimes grow up to either become perpetrators themselves or end up marrying an abuser. There is indeed a kind of osmosis that exists and that can operate in our relationships, causing a terrible ripple effect that garners more victims in its wake. But thankfully that is only one scenario and it is not even the only story behind that particular scenario. What a joy and a blessing if you were one of the little girls who grew up with a wonderful, loving, present father – a little girl graced with a positive foundation on which to model future relationships. I once heard it said that the best thing that a man can do for his child is to love that child’s mother and to let that be witnessed by the child. Imagine the sense of security and wellbeing that is instilled when you have grown up with the belief that you deserve to be treated well and with respect, honored for the person that you are and loved wholeheartedly – imagine how that might get played out in your decision making, your life pursuits, your relationships. For some, our past defies even the idea of such a possibility, never mind the actuality, and it is to that group that I offer these words: if the quality of your relationship with your father or the lack of a father in your life has negatively impacted your marriage or romantic partnership or perhaps made you afraid to commit, there is hope for healing. It may be that you and your father/father figure can engage in the work of forgiveness and perhaps reconciliation or if that is not possible, you may decide to seek counseling for yourself and then for your marriage/partnership. If you lived through a damaging relationship with your father but were fortunate enough to overcome those scars and find happiness in the present, yet still harbor painful memories, perhaps it would help to reflect on the fact that our fathers were individuals before they became parents – they were men with their own complexities, hopes, dreams, hurts – in essence, acknowledging the humanity, the human frailty of our fathers, may help us in some measure to be able to make our peace with what has not gone as we would have hoped and longed for and needed. Lastly, you may choose to accept Thich Nhat Hanh’s invitation to visualize your father as a five year old boy, fragile, tender and allow that image of your own self at that age, to acknowledge that small boy and to smile at him…and then to see where that may lead you.