June 2008

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couple’s pessimistic remarks about one another, and ill-treatment which seem typical, and perhaps playful within their “distinct” relationship is without doubt, abusive. Eventually, these negative acts/remarks are the contributors to corrosion of the marriage.

Here are three of the most grievous offenses that usually go undetected:

1. Customs that seem normal:

• Excessive work schedule not making time for family activities or planning yearly vacations.
   

• Abandonment – leaving your partner solely responsible for caring for children, extended family and/or running the household.
   

• Celebrating birthdays and anniversaries habitually with the church or around its calendar.
   

• Traveling extensively --- alone.

2. Language that condemns.

• Baby that was so stupid… what were you thinking? Please forgive my husband/wife church.
   

• So-called pet names that have negative connotation --- I Love Lucy or Gomer Pyle (silly characters who are known for making mistakes) or statements like “the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.”
   

• Speaking sharply in the presence of others or repeatedly dismissing your partner and children before they have a chance to complete their thoughts.
   

• I wish you would show my husband or wife how to….he/she could use some lessons, Lord have mercy, pray for me.
   

• Silent treatment – making the family wait outside your office door without acknowledging them while you conduct a routine conversation with the leaders of the church.

3. A deceitful act “deception” and “corrupt practices:”

• A common corrupt practice is the enjoyment of spending more time with colleagues, church leadership, and congregants rather than family.
   

• Another is having an emotional dependence upon someone from the opposite sex; these relationships have all the ingredients of an “affair” without physical intimacy; “emotional affair.”
   

• Infidelity. Disloyalty, a lack of belief in the religious conviction, or unfaithfulness to the moral obligation within the marriage. Staying married for appearances sake yet the marriage is void of the moral obligation of love and physical intimacy.
   

• The lack of boundaries.
  

Now, because the offender has the title of “bishop, apostle, elder, pastor, minister, chaplain, priest, or the good reverend doctor… Stop! Wait one minute; we “clergy” don’t get a pass. You’ve read the three offenses and if one or more applies, get help!

• Remember your love story; you are still writing it.
   

• Say thank you, please you’re welcome.
   

• Work on removing negative thoughts that causes you to react negatively.
   

• Stop distancing yourself.
   

• Take an anger management workshop conducted by your nearest hospital.
   

• Identify what makes you respond negatively…what happens to you when you are on the verge of reacting physically? Keep track by using a dairy.
   

• Stop defending your point, each of you have one. Instead, respect differences; care about and for one another, trust, and love when communicating.

Covenant maker restore love among couples who were called to a life of service on your behalf. Renew our hearts so that we do not overlook the obvious, the mundane, and the so-call playful habits that can cause harm to our marriages. Plant within us “your” spirit of mercy so that we forgive and the grace not to destroy what’s left by resorting to pessimistic remarks. I pray O God remove, restore, reconcile, and rekindle.

Blessings,
Chap